Last week I learned someone had a grudge against me for something I said, and had been holding on to that grudge for nearly two months.
That's a tough pill to swallow. Especially when it's revealed to you at a dinner party in front of guests.
And it's really hard to choke down when you find out its a family member who is nice to your face, but after every interaction with you, has a conversation with their significant other about how awful of a person you are- and has been doing this for well over a year.
The way this news was presented, it felt as though the person delivering the news was also mad at me and was trying to attack my character. So I ended that conversation with some very hurtful words. Words I knew would hurt.
I learned a lot after that moment.
1) When I feel attacked, I attack back. And I attack hard.
2) Immediately after hurting someones feelings, I want to shout "I didn't mean it, I'm sorry" but those words have never ever come out immediately afterwards. Most of the time, they never come out at all.
3) I can't apologize when I still feel hurt and it takes a lot for me to apologize. I have to give myself a pep talk before, during and after. I will say an apology in my head over and over, write it down, scribble it out, write it again, until I feel like I can clearly express myself (written or verbally) sincerely.
4) Sometimes people don't want to accept your apology and they have every right not to.
5) I can take a lot of "Here is what I don't like about you" and keep my cool at the same time. Have you ever had someone sit down with a list of things they don't like about you? Things that they've been mentally storing for years? It was hard. But I did it.
6) In order to stay cool while someone is letting you know what it is they don't like about you, you have to be willing to acknowledge your faults and be mentally prepared to work on them and make you a better you.
7) If someone doesn't take the time to get to know you or fully understand you- they may not like you. That's okay. There are plenty of people who will love your for the exact reasons that person doesn't.
8) Just because it doesn't offend you, or hurt your feelings doesn't mean it wont hurt others. Try your best to be as empathetic as possible when you interact with different personalities. You should always try your best to be understanding of the situation and act accordingly.
9) Sometimes the ones that profess the loudest about loving the Lord and living good lives as Christians, have a hard time showing you God's love and acting "christ-like". This can come across as hypocritical, and it is, but you need to forgive them for it. Use this opportunity to recognize what that looks like to others, and improve yourself the next time you're given a similar situation to deal with.
10) I am a strong, loving, kind, funny, stubborn, dramatic, loud, sensitive, caring, awesome person. A person who uses curse words and can be inappropriate when she ought not to be. A woman who messes up on a daily basis. Someone who sees humor in things others cant. I am never perfect, rarely proper, but mostly fun. And I am okay with all of it. If you aren't, those are your issues; they are not mine.