Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Some things you should know...

Most of my friends have had babies, are having babies or are thinking about having babies. Well, all you friends in the later category, have I got a gem of a post for you. A pros and cons list for having babies.

Lets get the messy stuff out of the way first.


1) Kids will ruin your figure.
I never appreciated my size zero, slim figure until after I had my first kid and my body didn't magically snap back like Victoria Beckham's did after popping our her oddly named children. Unlike that freak of nature, I have a saggy middle section, stretch marks in the weirdest places (we wont even go there- for now), and wider hips than I feel comfortable with. Mama just ain't as hot as she once was. And despite that motivation from pinterest, I do not think "This is the wonderful body that created three gorgeous little boys that have brought tremendous joy to my life and I shall cherish it!' every time I look in the mirror. No, no. I think "Damn, mama needs to get to the plastic surgeon-like, yesterday!"
I have put plenty of hours into getting my sexy back, and despite my best efforts, I will still need a plastic surgeon to make me look as hot as I once was. You may be one of the lucky ones that doesn't get a single stretch mark and goes right back to your pre-baby size-and when that happens, I will hate you- but I wouldn't bet on it. I could freak you the eff out right now and post a picture of my stomach just to scare the uterus right out of you, but I won't.

2)If they don't ruin your figure, they will ruin your *insert expensive furniture, family heirloom, jewlery, etc. item here*
The more children you have, the more shit they will break. Just ask Mrs. Duggar.

3)Good luck trying to go somewhere
You will find that all of your friends, relatives, parents, grandparents, neighbors, gardener, etc  have this amazing social life and have zero time for babysitting your offspring.
The rule of more applies here as well-The more kids you have, the busier your peeps will be.

4)Getting drunk become less fun
Wanna have a glass of wine? Who doesn't? Wanna have three or four glasses of wine? You won't when you remember the last time you decided to get crazy on a Friday night (and by crazy, I mean living it up in front of the DVR with a bottle of wine.See con #3)and Little Johnny made sure he woke up at 2am, 2:45am, 3:23am and 4:57am because he was teething.

4) You'll do it all wrong!
People you have never met before in your life will think it's okay to give you parenting advice.Thanks to some random at Target I now know that "You should never give your baby popcorn, because they will choke to death, retard!". For the record that "baby" was two and half, had all of his teeth, and it wasn't his first time at the rodeo, buddy!

5)Kids will make you angry at your television
Once you realize the munchkin can be entertained by something other than you or or your breast, you will be so very very grateful to DJ Lance Rock, Special Agent Oso, the Little Einsteins and the like.
You will praise the t.v. gods for returning your sanity by letting you have 22 minutes if peace and you will be amazed by the number of things you can accomplish in that short time span. After a while, you will realize you know all the words to There's a party in my tummy and that you've been humming the Wiggle song when showering and whilst out in public. But before you know it, you will be longing for a show with a real honestogod person on it, (even if it's Dr. effing  Phil!) and one day you find yourself thinking Dora is not an explorer, but a very forgetful 8year old who depends on toddlers to help her cross bridges, or paddle boats, or climb latters and why the hell  is she doing this dangerous stuff alone?  Where is Dora's mother while she is clearly not in school, but out "exploring" with her talking back pack and a  primate that wears rain boots-no matter what the weather is like? Doesn't Dora know monkeys carry diseases?

6) Sleep Deprivation
Do you like sleep? Do you like to get more than 3 hours of it at a time? If you've answered yes to those two questions, you should know that after you have kids you will LOVE sleep and  how  AMAZING it feels to get more than 3 hours of it at a time. You will also realize just how very little you thought about sleep until you had a baby.

7)It's a contest that you can never EVER win
Your baby slept for four hours straight last night? Amanda's has been sleeping through the night since birth.
Your kid got his first tooth at 3 months? Sandra's kid was born with all of her teeth. In fact, she chewed her way out of the womb at exactly 37 weeks. You started your kid on solids? Stacy exclusively breast feeds. Breast is best, after all. But when she does introduce solids -and who knows when that will be. She just LOVES breastfeeding- it will be  the vegetables that she grew in her organic vegetable garden and she will prepare them herself by chewing the raw food until the right consistency is reached and then spitting it directly into the mouth of her babe.Because why use utensils to feed the baby? That only increases your carbon footprint!

Really, this list could go on and on and on. But, I've got shit I've got to do so lets get into the pros, shall we?


1)One day, without any prompting, your child will look you in the eyes and say "I love you, mommy". And it will be the best damn feeling in the entire world!

The End.


  1. LOL! This cracked me up! hahaha... soooo true :)

  2. Hilarious... You hit every nail on the head!

  3. Crystal! I literally just laughed out loud on the train to work! Got a few funny looks for that at 730am! Hahaha thank you for brightening my morning commute! Love you!

    1. I'm so glad I could brighten your commute! I know how long and boring those train rides can be ;)