Some things you should know...

Most of my friends have had babies, are having babies or are thinking about having babies. Well, all you friends in the later category, have I got a gem of a post for you. A pros and cons list for having babies.

Lets get the messy stuff out of the way first.

CONS:

1) Kids will ruin your figure.
I never appreciated my size zero, slim figure until after I had my first kid and my body didn't magically snap back like Victoria Beckham's did after popping our her oddly named children. Unlike that freak of nature, I have a saggy middle section, stretch marks in the weirdest places (we wont even go there- for now), and wider hips than I feel comfortable with. Mama just ain't as hot as she once was. And despite that motivation from pinterest, I do not think "This is the wonderful body that created three gorgeous little boys that have brought tremendous joy to my life and I shall cherish it!' every time I look in the mirror. No, no. I think "Damn, mama needs to get to the plastic surgeon-like, yesterday!"
I have put plenty of hours into getting my sexy back, and despite my best efforts, I will still need a plastic surgeon to make me look as hot as I once was. You may be one of the lucky ones that doesn't get a single stretch mark and goes right back to your pre-baby size-and when that happens, I will hate you- but I wouldn't bet on it. I could freak you the eff out right now and post a picture of my stomach just to scare the uterus right out of you, but I won't.

2)If they don't ruin your figure, they will ruin your *insert expensive furniture, family heirloom, jewlery, etc. item here*
The more children you have, the more shit they will break. Just ask Mrs. Duggar.

3)Good luck trying to go somewhere
You will find that all of your friends, relatives, parents, grandparents, neighbors, gardener, etc  have this amazing social life and have zero time for babysitting your offspring.
The rule of more applies here as well-The more kids you have, the busier your peeps will be.

4)Getting drunk become less fun
Wanna have a glass of wine? Who doesn't? Wanna have three or four glasses of wine? You won't when you remember the last time you decided to get crazy on a Friday night (and by crazy, I mean living it up in front of the DVR with a bottle of wine.See con #3)and Little Johnny made sure he woke up at 2am, 2:45am, 3:23am and 4:57am because he was teething.

4) You'll do it all wrong!
People you have never met before in your life will think it's okay to give you parenting advice.Thanks to some random at Target I now know that "You should never give your baby popcorn, because they will choke to death, retard!". For the record that "baby" was two and half, had all of his teeth, and it wasn't his first time at the rodeo, buddy!


5)Kids will make you angry at your television
Once you realize the munchkin can be entertained by something other than you or or your breast, you will be so very very grateful to DJ Lance Rock, Special Agent Oso, the Little Einsteins and the like.
You will praise the t.v. gods for returning your sanity by letting you have 22 minutes if peace and you will be amazed by the number of things you can accomplish in that short time span. After a while, you will realize you know all the words to There's a party in my tummy and that you've been humming the Wiggle song when showering and whilst out in public. But before you know it, you will be longing for a show with a real honestogod person on it, (even if it's Dr. effing  Phil!) and one day you find yourself thinking Dora is not an explorer, but a very forgetful 8year old who depends on toddlers to help her cross bridges, or paddle boats, or climb latters and why the hell  is she doing this dangerous stuff alone?  Where is Dora's mother while she is clearly not in school, but out "exploring" with her talking back pack and a  primate that wears rain boots-no matter what the weather is like? Doesn't Dora know monkeys carry diseases?

6) Sleep Deprivation
Do you like sleep? Do you like to get more than 3 hours of it at a time? If you've answered yes to those two questions, you should know that after you have kids you will LOVE sleep and  how  AMAZING it feels to get more than 3 hours of it at a time. You will also realize just how very little you thought about sleep until you had a baby.

7)It's a contest that you can never EVER win
Your baby slept for four hours straight last night? Amanda's has been sleeping through the night since birth.
Your kid got his first tooth at 3 months? Sandra's kid was born with all of her teeth. In fact, she chewed her way out of the womb at exactly 37 weeks. You started your kid on solids? Stacy exclusively breast feeds. Breast is best, after all. But when she does introduce solids -and who knows when that will be. She just LOVES breastfeeding- it will be  the vegetables that she grew in her organic vegetable garden and she will prepare them herself by chewing the raw food until the right consistency is reached and then spitting it directly into the mouth of her babe.Because why use utensils to feed the baby? That only increases your carbon footprint!


Really, this list could go on and on and on. But, I've got shit I've got to do so lets get into the pros, shall we?

PROS:

1)One day, without any prompting, your child will look you in the eyes and say "I love you, mommy". And it will be the best damn feeling in the entire world!

The End.

The Coy boys are back!

My two oldest are starting 2nd and 1st grade today. Can you believe that? 

 I have mixed feeling about today. I am glad I wasn't there because I tend to cry at these things. Like, a lot. (It's quite embarrassing for the husband) But, at the same time, I'm sad I wasn't there to see my kids in all their "Whut up OLA! Let's do this learning thang" glory. 

Is it weird that my kids totally act like they own the school? Well. They get if from their father. Stop shaking your head at me. They totally do!

Owen and Oliver

Leaving

Tomorrow, I will leave the house before my children wake up and I will board a plane to San Francisco straight after work. I won't see my children for almost 96 hours, and I'm okay with that. Here are two reasons why I can enjoy myself, sans children, for the weekend:

1)My husband is amazing. He really is. Bryan can cook, do laundry (albeit, much differently than I do it), handle time outs, dirty diapers, bath time, play time and everything in between; all without breaking a sweat and whilst studying for Organic Chemistry. Am I bragging a little? You betcha! Out of all the married woman with children that I know, I am one of the only ones that not only trusts my children with my husband while I run errands, get a pedicure or visit family; I have a husband that actually enjoys watching his children. Does he enjoy every minute of it? I would assume he does not; and, come 8:30pm, I'm sure he's happy to to have the boys retire to their beds for the night so that he can finally rest and catch up on some Top Gear; but I can rest assured knowing the hubby has everything under control.

2) I'm still Crystal. Just like the Crystal without children, mommy-of-three-Crystal  likes going dancing, shopping for new shoes, eating at nice restaurants and getting pedicures. All things I would rather not do with children-mine, or otherwise. I know that my children need to feel like they are my number one priority, so I'm not talking about doing these fun things every day (or even, every weekend), but I do know that in order to be responsive, active and fun while with my children, I need to charge my "mommy batteries" by doing something for me. Just because I have three children with needs to be met, does not mean that I have to ignore all of my own wants and needs. I can make time to take a bubble bath, read a good book (preferably uninterrupted) or spend a weekend with my best friend in San Francisco. Taking the time to do these things-and enjoy them-will make me a better mommy when I reunite with my children.

I really do miss the snot out of my children and my husband when I'm not with them. And, sometimes-like when I catch myself having a little too much fun, or a nice big laugh-I find myself looking for them and thinking "Why aren't my boys here with me?" and I let myself be sad for a minute, before I go back to enjoying myself.

They grow up so fast!

It seems like only yesterday he started Kindergarten.

Kids are cool....

They prompt texts like the one I received from Bryan this morning:

     "This mornings been a little wild. I've cleaned up puke, tears, blood and poop."

Is that awesome, or is that awesome?

Dear Owen and Oliver,

It’s like your father and I took all the serious bits of ourselves and put them into one human being named Owen. And - because all the seriousness was taken- 15 months later, Oliver got all the fun. Together, you guys make a great team. You complement one another, terrifically. Interconnected and interdependent, one is Yin and the other, Yang. Realize the strengths each one of you possess and use them together for greatness. Hold the other one up, where he would otherwise fall. Help each other. Teach each other. Depend on each other. Love each other. Above all, love each other. Never ever stop.

Love,

Momma

Conversations with kids

Owen: I’m hungry, too.

Me: Eat that graham cracker.

Owen: Mom! I don’t want to eat after Charlie. He’s a super germ Do you know what that is?

Me: No, what is it?

Owen: It’s. A. Germ.

Me: ….That’s super?

Owen: Duh!!